Guest post written by the AMAZING Danielle Maurer! Without further adieu…
How to Find an Agent*
A Step-by-Step Semi-Illustrated Guide**
By Danielle Maurer
Step One: Track down The Agent’s general location.
In this case, a writer’s conference at a posh hotel.
Step Two: Acquire suitable supplies for a stakeout.
Double-fisting beverages is encouraged. Especially traditional writerly drinks like coffee and tea. You must demonstrate that you embody the tastes of a True WriterTM.
Step Three: Find a concealed location to observe and wait.
Fake plants are recommended. So are high vantage points.
Step Four: Become one with your disguise.
If you concentrate really hard, nobody will see you.
Step Five: Realize you don’t know what your quarry looks like.
Step Six: Take a social media stalking break.
Twitter. Instagram. Facebook. Pinterest. Even (GASP) LinkedIn.
Step Seven: Resume watching.
Pretend to write in a notebook. Write three actual sentences. Feel proud you managed to write anything. Then give up all pretense.
Step Eight: Freak out when you get spotted.
Freeze like a deer in the headlights as The Agent walks right past you, completely ignoring your stealth skills. Feel the heat rise to your face. Prepare to be embarrassed.
Step Nine: Realize that the person who just walked by wasn’t actually The Agent.
Breathe a sigh of relief. Curse the gods for putting such a high density of lookalikes in one place.
Step Ten: Go get a real drink.
Because you need the alcohol after that heart attack you almost had. Alcohol is also the sign of a True WriterTM, right?
Step Eleven: Turn around and see The Agent in line RIGHT. BEHIND. YOU.
Congratulations. You have found them.
*Based on a true story.
**I promise I’m not actually a stalker.
You can find more of Danielle Maurer’s hilarious posts on her website, HERE! 😀
Or her Twitter, HERE.