Guest post written by the AMAZING Danielle Maurer! Without further adieu…

How to Find an Agent*

A Step-by-Step Semi-Illustrated Guide**

By Danielle Maurer

Step One: Track down The Agent’s general location.

In this case, a writer’s conference at a posh hotel.

Step Two: Acquire suitable supplies for a stakeout.

Double-fisting beverages is encouraged. Especially traditional writerly drinks like coffee and tea. You must demonstrate that you embody the tastes of a True Writer^TM.

Step Three: Find a concealed location to observe and wait.

Fake plants are recommended. So are high vantage points.

Step Four: Become one with your disguise.

If you concentrate really hard, nobody will see you.

Step Five: Realize you don’t know what your quarry looks like.

Well, shit.

Step Six: Take a social media stalking break.

Twitter. Instagram. Facebook. Pinterest. Even (GASP) LinkedIn.

Step Seven: Resume watching.

Pretend to write in a notebook. Write three actual sentences. Feel proud you managed to write anything. Then give up all pretense.

Step Eight: Freak out when you get spotted.

Freeze like a deer in the headlights as The Agent walks right past you, completely ignoring your stealth skills. Feel the heat rise to your face. Prepare to be embarrassed.

Step Nine: Realize that the person who just walked by wasn’t actually The Agent.

Breathe a sigh of relief. Curse the gods for putting such a high density of lookalikes in one place.

Step Ten: Go get a real drink.

Because you need the alcohol after that heart attack you almost had. Alcohol is also the sign of a True Writer^TM, right?

Step Eleven: Turn around and see The Agent in line RIGHT. BEHIND. YOU.

Congratulations. You have found them.